


survivor

by yourfightisover (orphan_account)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Not really though, Other Characters Are Mentioned, Rape Aftermath, Suicidal Thoughts, Victim Blaming, emori is luna theory, john mbege is mentioned!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 08:31:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6510634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/yourfightisover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Murphy is a survivor.<br/>The flu didn't kill him. Neither did the angry mob, the grounders, the virus or the dead zone.<br/>In moments like these, lying next to Ontari with a collar around his neck and angry scratches all over his back, he wishes that he hadn't survived some things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	survivor

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: non-graphic rape of a minor (murphy is like 17 right? idk how old ontari is...), implied child abuse, suicidal thoughts, non-graphic torture, murphy blames himself for the rape, bad writing

John Murphy is a survivor.

The flu didn't kill him. Neither did the angry mob, the grounders, the virus or the dead zone. He knew how to survive, thanks to his mother. After his father's death he quickly learned when to avoid her after she drank too much and where to get rations after she had traded all of theirs for booze. Ironically, sometimes, all he wanted to do was die, to stop surviving. He knew he'd never actively seek out death, it went against his basic instincts but still, there were some moments...

Moments like these: Lying on the bed where Clarke probably banged her girlfriend, the collar heavy around his neck. It reminds him of the noose that was around his neck four months ago - and, no, that can't be right. Was it really just four months ago that they hanged him? Might've been five, but not more than that. It feels like an eternity and yet here he is again, captured by a grounder, chained up. She looks almost peaceful in his sleep, which is funny somehow since she’s the least peaceful person he knows.

For a moment he thinks about hanging himself. That's seem like the perfect way to go out. It's stupid and he won't do it anyway. Then he thinks about slitting Ontari's throat or choking her with her pillow. A few months ago, that's what he would have done, that's what he _did_. Hurt the ones that hurt him, without thinking about the consequences. Now, he realizes how stupid it is. Yeah, he still wants her to die and he really wants to be the one to kill her. Doing it now is pointless. Either the guards will find them before he succeeds and she kills him or she dies but there'll be another grounder, another torture chamber, another set of chains, probably waiting outside for him. Somehow there always is someone.

When he finally falls asleep, he wishes he didn't. His dream is a blur of pain, knives slicing him open and the sickening agony of his nails being torn off. He’s hanging again, gasping for air, begging for mercy. He wakes abruptly, drenched in his own sweat (it's just sweat, not blood, you're alive, calm down, _calm down_ ). His hand touches his neck, surrounded by cold metal. Ontari stirs next to him. _Shit._ His mother always hated it when he woke up her and Ontari had made it perfectly clear what would happen if he upset her. He tries to lie back down, the chains rattling terribly loud. She murmurs something in grounder language and slaps him. Luckily she’s not really awake. He gets it, so he freezes. His head looks better on his neck than on the ground, so he'd like it to stay there.

 _I could kill her,_ a voice in his head whispers. He could. He just- he misses Emori. It's a weird feeling, one he hasn't really felt in a long time. His father has been dead for almost a decade, more than half of his life. He never missed his mother, at least not the parts of her left behind after his father's death. He missed Mbege a bit, the last friend he had before things got fucked up but there were other things going on back them. He remembers finding out his best friend was dead and nobody had bothered to tell him at first, after he came back to the dropship. All of them were dead though, they'd never come back no matter how much he missed them. Maybe he'd meet Emori again someday if he got out of this mess alive. Maybe- _It doesn't even matter_. He betrayed her, didn't he? He slept with Ontari and Emori would never take him back.

Unable and unwilling to fall back asleep, afraid of the monsters in his dreams and the one next to him, he lies awake and listens to her breathing. It’s even, calm. No nightmares. He actually used to think he deserved some of it, the torture back in the grounder prison camp. In his most desperate moments he thought this must be the punishment for all the shit he’d done. At this point, he’s had enough punishment to last him two lifetimes. He just wants to not be in pain. He thinks back to the Ark, the tiny cell he shared with Mbege, how angry they’d been since they both already knew they wouldn’t be pardoned. Two orphans who’d been locked up before they’d even really hit puberty and grew up together behind prison bars. Both of them couldn’t even spell properly. There wouldn’t be of any use to the Ark, so they’d be floated. That was how things worked. When he realized that, he learned to be truly angry at the world. It was a lesson that was pretty hard to unlearn.

Careful not to make any sound, he turns to his side and closes his eyes. This way he doesn’t have to see her. He feels weird and can’t stop thinking about the past and he misses Emori again. Being with her felt different, as close to happiness as he’s been for a long, long time. And now he fucked it up, as always. He bites his lip and refuses to start crying just because he’s too stupid to make anything good last.

Will Ontari let him go some day? He might be able to escape. Clarke won’t come back for him, he’s not naïve enough to think that. Telling Ontari he doesn’t care if she kills his people has mostly been about getting her to trust him so she won’t kill him (which kind of backfired, didn’t it?) yet there is some truth there. He left his people because they’ll never forgive him. That’s one thing he doesn’t really regret. If he hadn’t left Camp Jaha, he might have never met Emori and he’d still be stuck there and be the bad guy. He’ll probably never really be one of them again. He’s no one, belongs to no one and has no one. No, that’s not right, he had Emori… and now he belongs to Ontari, judging by the collar around his throat.

Behind him Ontari stirs and he tenses up again. The chain and the blanket are twisted around his body. Last night, she pulled on the chain while he went down on her. He choked, the words _no, no, no,_ threatening to spill out of him (if he’d been able to breathe, that is). She might just be moving in her sleep (he knows she isn’t, she’s a calm sleeper, not plagued by nightmares like him). There’s a tug on his chain. Relax. This is fine. Ontari is hot, a lot of guys would love to sleep with her, just enjoy it.

John turns around and smirks at her. “Ah, so you are awake. I knew it” she says, her expression mirroring his, except hers is real and full of lust. She climbs on top of him. He wants to say no, wants to push her off and ran far away, but he’s got a collar around his neck to remind him of his place and his body won’t move, too focused on survival to do anything about the uncomfortable panic that spreads in his stomach and his hands shaking as he puts them on her hips. This is fine, it has to be.

 

* * *

 

 

Time passes, nothing really happens. He does what Ontari wants, when she wants it. He kills nobody, not even himself or her, even though he contemplates both. One evening, she pulls him towards her lightly and tells him to head to her bedroom and wait for her, so he does.

This is his chance. Maybe he can finally escape. Two guards escort him there, as always. She isn’t stupid enough to trust him. Once he’s alone, he examines the windows. Way too high. There has to be another way.

He’s been trying to find a hidden door or something like that for a while when the door bursts open. _Fuck._ With a smirk he turns around, ignoring the fear in his stomach and the tremble in his hands. He can’t do this much longer. It’s not Ontari though, it’s Emori, covered in black blood. Ontari’s? She’s bleeding too, black blood oozing out of her shoulder.

“John?” she asks, obviously confused by his presence in the Commander’s bedroom with a metal collar around his neck. “Emori…” is all he answers, voice full of regret and shame. He rushes to her side, inspecting the wound on her shoulder. “Are you okay?” She nods. The black blood stains his hands. _Natblida_ , that’s what they call it. It can’t be though, Ontari killed them all. “You’re a…” She nods again, then she glances around the room. “You’re friends from Arkadia found me. I’ll have time to explain it all to you later. So, what happ-“ “Look, I’m sorry” he interrupts her. It’s okay. Emori won't kill him for interrupting her or cheating on her, she's different. “It’s, look…” _Just spit it out._ Emori looks at him in a curious way now, confusion laced with worry. She won’t be worried once she finds out what he did. Her mutated hand reaches up to touch the collar and he flinches, just a tiny bit. She takes a step back, more worried now. “I slept with her”. There it is, out in the open. He feels disgusting just by saying it, feeling her hands on his body again, her mouth on his neck. Emori just looks at him with those big, beautiful eyes of hers and he kind of wants to cry and let it all out. She’s not saying anything, which makes it all worse. “I swear I didn’t want to, I told her I didn’t want to, I didn't, but she said she’d kill me.” Still no response. Of course she doesn’t believe him, it’s a stupid excuse. He looks at her and suddenly there’s so much anger in her eyes. Oh shit. Apparently he calculated wrong and now she’s going to-

“John” her voice is calm, she has taken a step towards him again. “I wish I would have made her death slower and more painful.” Now it’s his turn to be confused, ignoring the relief that floods over him as he realizes she’s dead and he’s free. Emori probably misunderstood. “No, you don’t get it. I had sex with her… I cheated on you, I betrayed you”. She smiles at him then. It’s a sad one. “Did you want to?” He shakes his head. “So why do you blame yourself?” He shrugs. He still did it, didn’t he? She leads him to the bench on the side of the room, thankfully not to the bed, and they sit down. He can tell that she’s exhausted and is trying to hide it. “If a captor chains their prisoner up”, she gestures to the chains, “and then wants to have sex with them, then when they refuse gives them the choice between compliance and death, what would you call that?” _Rape._ It's the obvious answer. That can’t be though, can it?  It wasn't - ... He would’ve-… , he didn’t even fight her.

“It wasn’t”, he attempts to explain, “like that, I didn’t even fight her, I…” “If you would have fought, what would have happened?” He doesn’t answer the question, both of them know the answer. He’d probably be dead by now. For a while they just sit there in comfortable silence and she rests her head on his shoulder, both of them lost in their thoughts.

“Um, Ontari had the key to…” “Oh, yeah, I got it.” And once the collar is off, he can breathe again. He no longer feels like he’s being hanged or choked. His survival no longer relies on pleasing Ontari. “Thanks for um, rescuing me”, he manages, only just realizing that she actually came back. She came back, _for him._ Even better, she still wants him after what happened. It’s almost too good to be true. She hugs him, it’s a bit sticky because she’s still bloody. It’s okay because it’s Ontari’s blood and it means she’s never going to touch him again. He’s free. He breathes in the scent of Emori, hugs her back and listens to her say “it’s gonna be okay.” And for the first time in a very long time, he lets himself hope, even just a little bit.

There are still scratches on his back, scars and bite marks all over him and an angry red line on his neck. His hands are still shaking and his eyes burn a bit.  Maybe it’s going to be alright though, someday.

She came back for him and she stayed, didn't she?

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this isn't too terrible, it's 5 am and i'm tired and sorry, but i needed to write this since i'm pretty sure the 100 writers are not gonna treat what happened with respect and they'll actuallly portray it as a kinky relationship even though murphy clearly did the fucking opposite of consenting. ugh.   
> oh and sorry if the whole emori=luna theory doesn't make much sense, it's pretty popular on tumblr and i thought i wiorked well here, but i didn't put too much thought into it (again, it's 5 am what do you expect)


End file.
